Surprise phone call last night

I am so so happy that you called last night.

I like to hear your hyper and excited voice, and that you called becos you were missing me too much.

You know you never did that before? :p And I am happy that you were proud of me, your friends think that I am the perfect woman.

And I love your little confession last night, that 'I am not a rich man, I don't have money to propose to you. I want to buy you a diamond ring that not only you will like, but you will love.'

It's OK honey, I don't really care about diamond or not, I only care that you want me and you propose to me, that you want me to be yours.

Maybe... like you said, you can always buy me another ring later, and refresh our vows. :)

Date even when we are living together

I am thinking... if I moved to Poland to live with you...

I want to cook something Chinese every week, and then we will go out on a date every month.

I want to go on proper dates with you every month, even after later when we get married and (hopefully)  have children.

After we get married, I still want to have one day every month to go out, just the two of us, just like before, when we don't have to worry about children, so that we can enjoy life together.

I want to go on holiday with you once every year, when there will be just you and me, so that we can remember what it was like when we were younger, how much we worked in order to just be with each other.

Do you think we can do that?

Thank you :)

I am happy that even when you are in Greece, you still have a little time to talk to me so that I won't feel so lonely...

Posessive

I like my man to be just a little posessive, becos he cares, and he wants me all to himself, but no one else.

I know that I shouldn't

I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I am thinking... whether I am angry? Or worried? Or sad? Or what?

I don't like it when someone doesn't keep their promises, I don't like it when an important person doesn't keep his promises. Especially when... I didn't ask for it.

I think I am angry, and sad, becos I hate waiting, I hate that I am waiting for someone, becos I don't have more important things to do, but he has more important things to be doing rather than telling me that he is OK, or what he is doing which is more important than me.

I want to be angry, but... I feel that I am not, becos there is no point to be angry. To be angry, you need to let that other person know that you are, or else what is the point?

He is not receiving anything kind of communication from anywhere. So what is the point to say anymore?

I want to say that I will wait for my turn eventually. But... I don't want to wait.

I am suddenly thinking... Who am I? What am I? Why I am always the one who is waiting? When he says he wants to see me, I wait for him, I wait for his messages, I wait for his calls, I wait... I am looking towards everyday, to the next time when I will see him, when I will touch him.

I feel that I am so... useless, and so... pointless. When my world seems to be going around just one thing, but... I am not really that important to that one thing.

I hate myself. Becos I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight, however, losing sleep will not make any difference. He doesn't even know that you are doing what you are doing.

Has he asked you what you would be doing, where you would be going tonight? Has he told you what he would be doing tonight? Does he want to know? The fairest thing to say is... I don't know whether he wants to know.

To be fair, I haven't felt like this for a long time, becos I thought... I guess I thought this would never happen again. Him disappearing and me losing sleep.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is the right thing to do.

I think I should follow my heart, but I hate it when... I don't know what my heart is thinking...

I hate to be a nagging girlfriend, asking why why why all the time, but at the same time I hate inconsistency. If he is with his phone, why hasn't he see my messages? If he is OK, why hasn't he written to me? If he is not with his phone, then where is it? Do I have to worry about him? Do I have to worry about his phone?

Sometimes I just need an explanation for the inconsistency to put my mind at rest, but now I am not getting it, and when I am not getting this, I become agitated and so I can't sleep.

Then I am constantly waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for this explanation, but I just hate waiting.

Krzywa faza na tęsknotę ...

Wczoraj myślałem trochę o Bracie. Dostał kolejne 6 miesięcy. Nie wiem co myśleć. Wiem, że to nie najgorsza możliwa tragedia, że jest na szczęście zdrowy i w jednym kawałku ale jednak dla mnie to jest jakaś tam tragedia. Jego córka nie widziała go już blisko rok. Płakać mi się chce jak o tym myślę. Syn dorasta, jest w najtrudniejszym wieku a jego ojciec nie może mu w tym pomóc. Nie ma jak dawać mu pozytywnych wzorców.
Kilka dni temu napisałem do jego żony pytanie, czy wie może coś na temat mojego Brata. Jak on się tam czuje w Warszawie, czy wiadomo coś o wyroku oraz kiedy wraca. Wczoraj czy tam przedwczoraj powiedziała mi właśnie o tych 6-ciu miesiącach. Powiedziała też, że tym aresztem czy więzieniem rządzi mafia jakaś. Jeśli osadzony chce zadzwonić do rodziny musi jakoś tam zapłacić mafii za to, że będzie mógł to zrobić. Mam nadzieję, że szybko wróci do naszego Zakładu Karnego.
Facetowi nie wypada mówić o takich sprawach ale tęsknię za swoim bratem. Za wypadami na kesze, za wycieczkami w góry czy nawet za zwykłymi spotkaniami rodzinnymi.
Może zobaczę się z nim przed wyjazdem do Grecji.

Słoneczko ... przepraszam, że mój pierwszy wpis do pamiętnika nie jest o Tobie.

Dziękuję bardzo :)

You said to me, "OK you don't have to ask about so small things." 

Thank you for letting me invade your space more and more and more...