Święta a ja czuję się dziwnie ...

Są dni, gdy czuję się dziwnie. Wszystko mnie wzrusza, dotyka głęboko. Wszystko przeżywam 10 razy mocniej niż zwykle. Nie wiem, czy muzyka, czy samotność w świąteczny dzień ale tak właśnie dzisiaj się czuję. I tęsknię.

Już coraz bliżej

Już popołudniu wylatuję. Podróż mojego życia. Zobaczę moją ukochaną i jej kraj. Ah, jestem bardzo przerażony... I podekscytowany.

Happiness is...

I feel truly happy and contented right now, because I know that there is someone who cares about me, cares about my feelings and he knows what I like, what I need.

He wants to make changes because of me, and he thinks about what I will need, and what he has to do accordingly.

Just today, he said to me that he would have to have the gas connected if I will be living with him, because he knows that I need hot food, and I like to cook.

I feel happy with him because I know that he will understand me, feel what I feel, and always, always take care of me.

Thank you, for loving me.

Mountain

I know the mountain is more important than me

This is exactly what I don't want you to say. You are the most important but if you don't feel you are, I need to do something about it.

---------------
Thank you, I know I am important to you, only that I know you haven't been to the mountain for a long time. You need it.

Summer trip

We had our first date, and you said 'Kocham cię' to me for the first time... :)

Wkrótce wizyta mojej ukochanej ...

Bardzo się cieszę, że już niedługo zobaczę, uściskam i ucałuję moją śliczną kochaną dziewczynę. Już niedługo odbiorę ją z lotniska. Bardzo się stresuję. Tyle planów, tyle rzeczy do zrobienia ... Wspólnie. Boję się trochę czy wszystko dobrze wypadnie. Chciałbym aby ten czas był bardzo udany i bardzo miły. Mam miliony myśli: miliony nadziei i miliony wątpliwości.

I like it when you call me

I like it when you call me to chat just a few minutes everyday, like we are so close and not 5000 miles away.

I miss you so much...

Surprise phone call last night

I am so so happy that you called last night.

I like to hear your hyper and excited voice, and that you called becos you were missing me too much.

You know you never did that before? :p And I am happy that you were proud of me, your friends think that I am the perfect woman.

And I love your little confession last night, that 'I am not a rich man, I don't have money to propose to you. I want to buy you a diamond ring that not only you will like, but you will love.'

It's OK honey, I don't really care about diamond or not, I only care that you want me and you propose to me, that you want me to be yours.

Maybe... like you said, you can always buy me another ring later, and refresh our vows. :)

Date even when we are living together

I am thinking... if I moved to Poland to live with you...

I want to cook something Chinese every week, and then we will go out on a date every month.

I want to go on proper dates with you every month, even after later when we get married and (hopefully)  have children.

After we get married, I still want to have one day every month to go out, just the two of us, just like before, when we don't have to worry about children, so that we can enjoy life together.

I want to go on holiday with you once every year, when there will be just you and me, so that we can remember what it was like when we were younger, how much we worked in order to just be with each other.

Do you think we can do that?

Thank you :)

I am happy that even when you are in Greece, you still have a little time to talk to me so that I won't feel so lonely...

Posessive

I like my man to be just a little posessive, becos he cares, and he wants me all to himself, but no one else.

I know that I shouldn't

I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I am thinking... whether I am angry? Or worried? Or sad? Or what?

I don't like it when someone doesn't keep their promises, I don't like it when an important person doesn't keep his promises. Especially when... I didn't ask for it.

I think I am angry, and sad, becos I hate waiting, I hate that I am waiting for someone, becos I don't have more important things to do, but he has more important things to be doing rather than telling me that he is OK, or what he is doing which is more important than me.

I want to be angry, but... I feel that I am not, becos there is no point to be angry. To be angry, you need to let that other person know that you are, or else what is the point?

He is not receiving anything kind of communication from anywhere. So what is the point to say anymore?

I want to say that I will wait for my turn eventually. But... I don't want to wait.

I am suddenly thinking... Who am I? What am I? Why I am always the one who is waiting? When he says he wants to see me, I wait for him, I wait for his messages, I wait for his calls, I wait... I am looking towards everyday, to the next time when I will see him, when I will touch him.

I feel that I am so... useless, and so... pointless. When my world seems to be going around just one thing, but... I am not really that important to that one thing.

I hate myself. Becos I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight, however, losing sleep will not make any difference. He doesn't even know that you are doing what you are doing.

Has he asked you what you would be doing, where you would be going tonight? Has he told you what he would be doing tonight? Does he want to know? The fairest thing to say is... I don't know whether he wants to know.

To be fair, I haven't felt like this for a long time, becos I thought... I guess I thought this would never happen again. Him disappearing and me losing sleep.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is the right thing to do.

I think I should follow my heart, but I hate it when... I don't know what my heart is thinking...

I hate to be a nagging girlfriend, asking why why why all the time, but at the same time I hate inconsistency. If he is with his phone, why hasn't he see my messages? If he is OK, why hasn't he written to me? If he is not with his phone, then where is it? Do I have to worry about him? Do I have to worry about his phone?

Sometimes I just need an explanation for the inconsistency to put my mind at rest, but now I am not getting it, and when I am not getting this, I become agitated and so I can't sleep.

Then I am constantly waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for this explanation, but I just hate waiting.

Krzywa faza na tęsknotę ...

Wczoraj myślałem trochę o Bracie. Dostał kolejne 6 miesięcy. Nie wiem co myśleć. Wiem, że to nie najgorsza możliwa tragedia, że jest na szczęście zdrowy i w jednym kawałku ale jednak dla mnie to jest jakaś tam tragedia. Jego córka nie widziała go już blisko rok. Płakać mi się chce jak o tym myślę. Syn dorasta, jest w najtrudniejszym wieku a jego ojciec nie może mu w tym pomóc. Nie ma jak dawać mu pozytywnych wzorców.
Kilka dni temu napisałem do jego żony pytanie, czy wie może coś na temat mojego Brata. Jak on się tam czuje w Warszawie, czy wiadomo coś o wyroku oraz kiedy wraca. Wczoraj czy tam przedwczoraj powiedziała mi właśnie o tych 6-ciu miesiącach. Powiedziała też, że tym aresztem czy więzieniem rządzi mafia jakaś. Jeśli osadzony chce zadzwonić do rodziny musi jakoś tam zapłacić mafii za to, że będzie mógł to zrobić. Mam nadzieję, że szybko wróci do naszego Zakładu Karnego.
Facetowi nie wypada mówić o takich sprawach ale tęsknię za swoim bratem. Za wypadami na kesze, za wycieczkami w góry czy nawet za zwykłymi spotkaniami rodzinnymi.
Może zobaczę się z nim przed wyjazdem do Grecji.

Słoneczko ... przepraszam, że mój pierwszy wpis do pamiętnika nie jest o Tobie.

Dziękuję bardzo :)

You said to me, "OK you don't have to ask about so small things." 

Thank you for letting me invade your space more and more and more... 

Jestem zaskoczona!

I didn't know that you come here everyday :p 

You know, I was thinking... that time when I surprised you by coming up to you in the coffee shop in Kraków, I should have come behind you and cover your eyes then ask you, "Zgadnij kto jestem?!" 

I wonder what you would say :p 

Why I feel that I I am special... with him...

You see, no one has ever told me that I am beautiful. And the way he looks at me, it makes me feel that he really means it, from the bottom of his heart. He is the only person who thinks that I am beautiful even when I don't have any makeup on. He makes me feel that... I don't have to work so hard to pretend to be another person for him to like me. Afterall, the first time when he kissed me was when I just woke up, with messy hair and no make up. :p

With him, everything is effortless, as natural as breathing.  

You see, I hate my body so much, every part of it, but he dares to tell me, "I love every dot on your face." It was because of him, I started to try to find something likable about my body, about myself. 

I started learning to dance, because he thinks that I look sexy (although I don't agree). I want to go dancing, so that maybe I can unearth the hidden sexiness somewhere inside me. 

He makes me feel happy, blissfully happy, and safe. Despite the fact that we are having right now a veeeeeery long distance relationship, I never doubted a second that he might be doing something behind my back. People always say that long distance relationship is very difficult to keep, and people would gradually drift apart, to look for someone who is closer to them. WIth him, although he is not with me in person most of the time, I feel that he is constantly with me, in my heart, in my mind. 

I still don't like pictures of myself, but I know that he does. So I started to try to make more pictures of myself, because I know that he wants to see. I feel that I am starting to be more confident about myself, about my... imperfection. Even though I still don't like the pictures, I started to feel... well... I don't mind them as much anymore. I found myself saying 'If you want to post them (show them to the world), then do!" 

I have a feeling that he is proud of me, proud of having me (though I don't know whether I felt correctly), that's why he wants to take a lot of pictures of me, and to show people pictures of me. 

We will have been together for a year next month. In this year, I feel that I am happy most of the time in our relationship. My friend once saw me smile when I was talking about him, she said, "Why my boyfriend is so close to me but he can't make me smile like you do, but your boyfriend is over 5000 miles away and you are smiling like this!" 

Dziekuję bardzo mój mężczysno za wszystko, a przypraszam bardzo, że nie będziemy mogły spędzić razem naszą pierwszą rocznicę. 

嗯…或許現在應該不再提起了…

這陣子他經常提到我們將來的話題，前兩天才問了解我喜歡甚麼戒指，又把我的名字冠上了他的姓氏… 他說他隨時可以求婚了，因為他已經清楚我所想的。他再說到…需要跟家人談談我們將來的計劃…

我們將來的計劃是甚麼呢？

不過我想，他一天沒求婚，一天都是空談，所以現在還是不要有太多期待，也先不要提到太多。

你…何時會向我求婚呢？

誰是Mi，誰是Ta?

我的他是波蘭人。

不久之前，我在Facebook開了一個我跟他的私相簿叫「Ty i Ja (You and me)」，當時他問我：Who is Ty? And Who is Ja? 我說我都不知道。

這個Blog一開始，我已經想叫這裡做MiTa，說說我與他的點滴。但我又想起：哪個是Mi，又哪個是Ta呢？我都分不清了…或許…因為我們就是密不可分吧？

由今天開始，在這裡記下我們之間的點滴，會有一天，我會記下我們的婚禮嗎？

我的Surprise Birthday Trip

這次去波蘭，原本只是想探探他，看看花，可是他卻告訴我將有個驚喜給我。

那天晚上，我們跟兩位好友合共四人一起站在長途巴士站的時候，我都仍然未知驚喜是要到哪裡去。

如果我真的很想知道我是可以啦，因為我看到了在背包的guide book，如果我真的要知道，只要輕輕偷看一下就好了，可是我想讓他surprise me。：）

巴士來的時候，老實說我是不知道那個目的地是哪兒，因為地點是用波蘭文寫的。我快快查了一下地圖：Wiedeń (Vienna)?! 我作夢都沒有想到他給我的驚喜會是帶我到Vienna！

我說了好多次：I can't believe that we are going to Vienna! 直到我真的站在Vienna的土地上，我才開始相信他真的把我帶到了這個美麗的城市作為我的生日禮物。

還記得上年十月，我給他的驚喜是在咖啡店中坐到他跟前跟他說Cześć! 終於他都成功好好的把我嚇上一次了。

人家都在說，要看清楚兩個人適不適合，要先去一次小旅行，兩人一起離開自己的comfort zone，再看看大概家相處有沒有甚麼問題。

那時我在想，我去看他，或者他來看我，我們總有一個是在自己熟悉的地方，沒有離開自己的comfort zone，所以很難會有機會試上一次大家都不在comfort zone的小旅行。怎想到，這麼一下子就實現了。

我本來都有點擔心，我們會出問題嗎？可是我發現不只沒有甚麼問題，更發現我們是good team！他會想我喜歡甚麼，我不會只顧自己要的，會想要不會悶到了其他人。我們一起找路的時候，大家都會一起看地圖，合作找月台，讓我覺得我們不會讓一方辛苦。

不過，我承認我是差很少很少就跳線啦，就在累到半死還找不到酒店的路上。不過這都不是他的錯，是出意外了啦，否則我們都不會跟朋友分開了兩家酒店。我是很感謝他在我快要發脾氣了的時候對我特別有耐性。

這次小旅行讓我感到這個男人是可靠的，有耐性的，穩重的，同時他知道我的喜好，會照顧我的感受。

從Vienna回到波蘭以後，我感到我們的關係更親密了。我本來以為我們已經很親密了…

回來以後，有天晚上我們去姐姐家燒烤，姐姐在眾人面前問我們甚麼時候結婚，問他說：你不是去維也納求婚的嗎？

不知道為甚麼他一家人都很喜歡我，很想我們趕快結婚，爸爸更開口說要抱混血孫子。

所以這次去波蘭我們都談到了很多… 可是趕談得多就越發現很多問題要解決。

我們可是關關難過關關過嗎？主會保守我們嗎？

今天晚上，我們談到了我婚後的名字會是甚麼… 我都很想我們快點可以在一起…快點… 我的名字，會冠上他的姓氏…